This is My Testimony
Haba! I haven’t written on this site in so long, I’m surprised it’s still here. No tumbleweeds blowing through. That’s amazing.
Anywhooo, I have a testimony. Right now I’m that kid in class when it’s show and tell time and the teacher asks, “Does anyone have any testimonies?” My six year old self puts her hand up high and “Oooh, ooh, pick me, pick me. Oooh, pick me, I have a good one.”
And I do, I have a good one.
I’ve never believed in Jesus.
I’m handing you a
spliff tea. Sit back and let that sink in. With all my God blessing and my spiritualizing and prayers and fasting and testimonies, I never actually believed that Jesus was a real person. It was always hypothetical for me. As in, if Jesus existed, he would’ve been Black. And He’s a great example of maybe a nice fantasy of what it would be like to be a good person all the time. I applied the principles of Divinity based on Jesus’ teachings–which I thought could easily have been copied down from Egyptian temples and collected from ancient African spiritual practices.
Even when I believed He might have been a mythological combination of many ancient gods, I was ok believing in His principles…they made sense…they worked in my life. I didn’t need to believe that He was a real person who walked the earth and died on a cross and ascended to Heaven in order to know that being a good person–doing good and resisting the low-vibration temptations of evil everyday–would translate into a more peaceful, more abundant life.
I didn’t really think Heaven was real either. I figured there had to be some sort of afterlife. We don’t just die, since energy is neither created nor destroyed. Our bodies die and our Spirits travel. Maybe commune with other Spirits. Maybe go to one place–no Heaven or Hell just maybe roam the earth until it’s time for them to come back in human form. Maybe they hung out over the Atlantic or the slave castles in West Africa or on a beach in Seychelles…who knows.
So I ramble. The summary: Past: Heaven, Hell, Jesus = abstract mythological possibilities, maybe.
Present: Jesus was real enough to have actually physically bled and died on The Cross and be buried and actually come back to life. If real people of the present day can die and come back to life, why is it impossible that He did?
Exhibit A: People who claim to have died and come back to life
I became obsessed after I saw these. I had never seen such videos. Never been exposed to consistent accounts of Heaven and encounters with God. And how did I stumble on these videos? I was having a real depressing spell and I asked God for more faith. Because I had nothing else to lean on, I asked God to help me believe in him in a more deep, more profound, inner-stirring way. For about a year, I had been worshiping God from my mind, not really my heart. I’d had enough negative experiences to exhaust me and make me feel like “Whatever God, if you’re real, I don’t know… just help me believe in you again.”
Desperate for a shift
So I was struggling to believe that God really still existed in my world, and LOVED me. So I prayed one morning–and I remember it distinctly because I was so desperate for a shift, I cried to God to open my heart again. I prayed that God would increase my faith. Because, hello, I believed there was a God otherwise I would not be praying. I just needed a little more reason to trust, but more than anything I needed to feel something in my cold cold heart.
So those videos had me crying at work, and my heart moved. I actually felt it inside again, and I became obsessed and I slowly came to accept that Heaven was real. Heaven. Not Jesus. Heaven. If you know me, you know how stubborn I am, and the fact that those videos didn’t completely sell me on Jesus and have me proselytizing on the train is a testament to my rock-hard head =)
Science and Jesus
Some other heavy things happened in life and now I was more curious about the Jesus part. So I tested my faith and searched for evidence of Jesus, something I had never cared to do before. So I watched, among many videos, the following:
So I spent a week trying to believe this and pondering the weight of this possibility that this dude actually lived and it wasn’t just some made up mythological compilation Europeans stole from Ancient Egypt in order to steal African land centuries later. Well they did use it to steal the land, but we can talk about that on another post…
So after the two weeks of pondering, I had an emotional tragedy. A few back to back. Nothing deathly serious, but enough to have my old self horribly depressed for weeks on end–sleeping late or not at all, eating Jamaican bread with ice cream at two AM on a Wednesday and then getting to work late enough to be fired. And instead of eating Jamaican bread with ice cream at two AM on a Wednesday, I did something I’d never done before. I begged God, I said God, if all this is for real; You have shown me so much to deepen and expand my faith, please let me not be depressed by this. Please give me peace. Please replace the sadness that wants to consume me with peace, joy, gratitude. Help me to rely on You and feel Your presence and forget all that is happening around me.
And you know what man, I had the happiest week. I can’t even explain it except to say that He helped me focus on Him. The Word came off the page into my heart, and the music that He showed me kept me happy and I kept thinking about the Resurrection and how Wow, if that really happened, if Jesus really left His body and came back to it three days later; if Jesus really rose from the dead, then there really is nothing that this God can not do. That SPIRIT, that Spirit that came down to Earth and became man, and then fulfilled the prophesy. That Spirit that left His body here on Earth and went back to Heaven, and then came back just to prove He was from God. Dang! That Spirit actually can do anything. Because what is more final than death? If death is not final for this Spirit, then nothing else is. To think that that SPIRIT lives in me for real was whoa for me.
I was just happy and on cloud nine and could not be convinced that any problems I had were actual problems. They actually became temporary conditions just waiting to be removed by my God who has power over death. Because now this God really could do anything. I kind of believed that before, but now, after surviving a week that could have killed my spirit and coming out of it with the greatest peace I’ve ever known–just because I asked Jesus for it, just because I prayed for it–a peace that has literally moved things in my actual heart; now I actually know for a fact beyond a shadow of a doubt that this God can do anything, fix anything. “Anything is possible” is no longer just a phrase. It’s actual fact. I’m embracing this fact in a way I never had before, a way that I don’t think I could have without the belief that this mystical supernatural God-force actually has manifested real and physical things in this physical realm, and He continues to do so.
This is heavy for me, and I’m still processing it.
Now that I believe in Jesus, what am I going to do differently?
In fact I’m already doing it. I’ve been doing it for a long time…but now it’s a little easier, because now I believe in and give more energy than ever to the actual power that works in me to move my atoms and my Spirit and my words in the right direction. I hope it stays with me. Holy Spirit, you are welcome here.
6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.