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I’m Just Going to Write IX

Yesterday’s piece was pretty illicit. It’s what came up, what came out and what I was seeing when I entered that dimension. I find that I am overwhelmed by the things I need to say and that may be why my head feels like it just wants to crawl between my knees and rest in fetal position for days at a time. I guess its the feeling that nobody cares that makes it hard to express consistently. But then I post more content than anyone I know.

“It’s all over the place” 


I don’t care any more about that. There are some that can see the connections and I guess when I’m gone or when Spirit decides to open the third eyes, more people will be able to comprehend. Meanwhile I have to release a little bit of the friction to stay alive. So the friction this moment is me listening to my pastor heading over to my Ifa priest friend’s place. The travesty of white terrorism that Christianity has been eroded to be such a thing that can’t be trusted. The religion that saved so many lives. I don’t believe everything I hear in the church. I go through these cycles consistently. They may be the most constant thing in my life after these poverty cycles.

I hit rock bottom, I read the Bible, I believe in Christ again. I try again. I see things working. I read the Bible less, and less. Things go semi to-shit. I have a flare up. Intense pain. I believe less and less. I forsake all doctrines. And God together with them. I cry, I wail, I desire to die. Just when the sweetness of death becomes too much, just when the aftermath is too vivid and too sorrowful, I reach for a message. I listen to my pastor. Or my other pastor, his wife. I feel better. I resist their teachings. I question why God wants us to suffer. Or whether there really was a 6 ton rock that held Jesus/Yashua in his tomb. Or sixteen Roman soldiers. I question why God has to hate homosexuality or gender dysmorphia more than colonization.

Why aren’t the pastors calling out colonizers every Sunday? Why doesn’t God ever speak to them about people that are exploiting people? Calling them to repent? How come I never hear them talk about the pedophiles and the prison guards and the meter maids and all the other people whose job is to mete out suffering? How come God never calls them down from the pulpit to lay hands on the men who beat their wives? Or impregnate tons of women at the same time? WHERE IS THAT GOD???

Where is that God in the church that detests lies? That detests swindles? Especially at the government level? WHERE IS THE GOD THAT PUNISHES ANGLOSAXON TERRORISTS? Does that God exist? If the God that heals cancer and homosexuality and poverty and “ancestral curses” is so powerful, why does that God not punish the people who kill truth tellers?

Image Source (Tyler Perry laying hands on TD Jakes)

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About Lolade

Lolade is a Gates Cambridge Scholar, starting her PhD in Sociology with the 2019 class. She recently graduated with her MA in African Studies [Sociology discipline] from Yale University where she researched ethnic identity formation among Nigerian immigrants in New York, Tokyo and Mumbai. She is the author of 'Market of Dreams' a radical poetry collection about love and freedom. She obsesses over indigenous textiles, cultural preservation and innovation, and intimately connecting the African Diaspora.

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